a little jealous

but proud for you!

your name can be rearranged to Evil

i hate.

hate

hate

this.

i hate this feeling, of defeat, it happening again

it always happens

3rd times the charm

strike 3, I'm out

ONE TWO THREE

it has to be THAT easy for you

and THAT hard for me.

if I weren't so fatuglyweirddisgustingawkwardchunkyconstricteddichotomised then everything would of been perfect.

because that's what we constantly seek

perfection

well

I found it

its you,

and you got me out.

I wish I lived in the a time without computers, not 1984

please don't call me downstairs

please don't let hell crash harder for me

I'm already guaranteed a call

No need for me, please.

Lets just sing Kimbaya like you act like we do...

I hate grades. I hate how you read them so closely and don't let me breath

You act like I'm on the verge of dropping out

And its true, thanks to your actions.

You're welcome

{pss. Here's a secret}
{I blog when I'm scared in life}

{And I'm really scared right now}

Don't bother

I don't want the world to read this

So it needs to come out

I can't just sit here, not saying this

The elephant is starting to eat up the house.

..

...

..

.

..

...

..

.

I am sick of using metaphors

Sick of evading the reader and trying to out fox him

I will use names, yet, you as a reader

Are obligated to not whisper a thing

Mutter only mumbles to your pets that do not understand English

Because what I am going to write

I am deathly afraid of saying
I am dancing over fire

Dad, I never want to be like you
So wrapped around money, the green becomes your ring
It rings you around your emotions, almost choking you

I see that you want to escape

But your addiction to it, makes me sick

I never experienced you in my childhood

Your anger management never made me want to experience you much

You care about image so much

But you care about your image so much

That you have no one to show it to

You are lonely

You get jealous of me when I'm out on the weekends enjoying life

When I'm doing things you can't

You wan't me confined

So that the jealousy stops

I won't stop

I am going to live

While you yell at the wife you used to call beautiful

While you always want to escape and when you escape you feel like catching up

I see what money does to you

You can't relate to people

It alienates people
It alienates me

You wonder why all these assistants have been leaving you

That's because you're crazy

All you care about is work

Where does it go?

To buy me a better life?

Well shit dad, haven't you realized?
I'm already living a better life than you

You just want me to stop.

Money will never be an issue to me

You, will always be

Your anger to me

Your dissatisfaction in me

You only say "I love you" when you have an audience

You only say how good I've been doing to others at your office

They simply smile, but
Where does that go?
How about saying, "You did a good job Eric"
?
Is that too hard?
Well, you can write it out to your "friends" at the office

Who avoid you

.

There,

I said it.

I used to want to love you

Now the separation is beginning to start

The umbilical cord is getting cut

Get ready to start appreciating what is lost dad

Tick Tock

a step, or a leap, for my own kind has been made

I looked out the window

it continued to look gray

So I laid back into bed

Not seeing a purpose

And continued to sleep until time finally ran away

2nd Act Slaps

I look to the right when you look at me

I'm looking at what I can't have

You, being there for me always,

Say I can do so much better

Then I look into the mirror to my left

and I say, no

I can't do better

I can't even do worse

I can't even do anything

I cross the desert

So thirsty for more

You say I'm so eclectic

You know what?

I am so damn eclectic

I have to carry all this shit I've collected in my life on my back

And I feel all these knots and pressures and they all hit me so hard

I don't know what's hitting me and making me cry

I take off my shit

For the first time in a while

I lay down and you rub my back

Massage it

and you realize

that things are uneven

My left is higher than my right

That this isn't how things are supposed to be

Magnifying ________

I analyse emotions too closely

A dirty look, I take as a hate

A hug, a love

But maybe I need to look at the general picture

Yes, I remind myself of this

as the DJ yells bring it back

I spit back the same lyrics

I analyse emotions too closely

A dirty look, I take as a hate

A hug, a love

But maybe I need to look at the general picture

Yes, I remind myself of this

reusable tea bags

i thought i painted my walls pretty

i only have one pretty room

the rest, well

kind of ugly and lonely

see, they are the "living rooms"

the rooms no one touches

elegant with Crystal

Decorated with the finest paintings and chairs

but fucking finally

I thought I got a "family room"

I mean, a room where I feel at home

I can be open
FREE

No stupid composure of a "living room"

...

But once I noticed your reaction

Your face

My overreaction to your just natural nature made me realize
Maybe its you just being "nice"

like, everyone
I'm scared, honestly

I am sick of all these "nice" people and these "living rooms"

I'm noticing that this family room's wall look more like a grave than anything...

...things always slide out of my hand...

Genie.

i thought i knew what jealousy meant

i did have the definition on flash cards that I reviewed once in a while

but now, I fucking have it MEMORIZED

the kind of memorization that you can't FORGET once it's in your head

I see moments, of when it could of been perfect
IT COULD OF BEEN FUCKING PERFECT

but no, it was me

i forgot

I'm a monster
I'm a freak show
I'm the elephant man

Yet, I'm not the elephant man

So aren't you.

So aren't you

that's what I hate the most

its always

ME

that fucks things up

fucking

ME

ME

ME

and now

I see you

with the world in your hands

with your skinny, attractive body

getting the 3 things

A. The one who destiny divided our reach

2. The one that everything will be unrequited with

D. The one I will never get but always want

And I see you

Not just reaching and grasping
But puppeting

FUCKING PUPPETING

MOTHER FUCKING PUPPETING AND CONTROL AND GETTING EVERYTHING YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE IN THE 3 THINGS I NEVER COULD HAVE WHY SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL CAN'T YOU JUST EVEN SPARE ONE?

...

...

{end of breakdown scene}

...

Can we just pretend that never happened?

Because you 3 do.

You pretend I never existed

And I continue to just pretend everything actually happened.

Alrighie readers

Its me, Eric

I'm half asleep right now

And this is one of my blog entries that reminds one of a bitchy facebook game

I'm probably making it up cause I'm tired

But I'm going to talk shit

and someone's gotta guess who it is

Well, don't have to

But you know what

Fuck

I'm sick of shit

I'm sick of feeling like shit

I can't tell if its me or them

So you know what

I'm tired, nothing is constraining me

So lets get go

WE SHOULD BE BEST FRIENDS BUT YOU CAN'T OPEN UP YOUR EYES AND REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE INSTEAD YOU SEARCH AROUND AND CONTINUE TO BEAT ME

YOU DON'T GIVE CLEAR MESSAGES TO ME AND I'M AFRAID I'M ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU BECAUSE I CAN'T READ YOUR DICTION OF BODY LANGUAGE

YOU JUST FUCKING IGNORE ME

YOU SOMEHOW KNOW HOW TO REPLACE ME PERFECTLY AND KNOW MY HOPES AND DREAMS ARE BEING WASHED AWAY WITH NO SENTIMENT

YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SOPHISTICATED AND THINK I'M SO LOW

YOU JUDGE ME

I CANNOT HANDLE PEOPLE

i don't think these gates are going to open again

so good night

there might not be nothing showing for a while

Let's cake this one on quickly

Before we have to run out on stage

and show emotion

- - -

Like I said

I so would

But not to who you expected.

No.

THIS IS A MURMUR

this is what we whispered that one time

with our lazy eyes adjusting in the dark

We dueled with the swords of perspective

You fighting for me, me fighting for you

It could of happened

It could...

I don't know even how to finish that

It could...

It could be anything

It could be horrific, wonderful, mediocre, whatever.
I just want something.

Lucky pennies will squeak familiar tunes as the ones you make

A duet, one can say

Yet you come from perfection

Me? You talking to me?
I come from failure, a fat man with fat dreams that stay dreams that he will try to pass on into the next generation

Makes me want to cry that you achieve these dreams
Yet...
Maybe I haven't opened my eyes wide enough...

Well. Not too long to think

Only have one more week till the cymbals crash

And open the doors.

- - -
I need to sleep.

i contain jealous eyes

more than i should

and not the stereotypical

jealous, but more of the

kind of you wish you had

one's talent, one's way to

make people wanted to be

around you, and just want

to be athletic, talented,

beautiful, witty, socially

aware.

Because I am neither of these.

The one thing I don't wish for

is happiness

Because I've learned a long time

ago that its just a myth

pss. Everyone's got a secret that I don't know about

They keep shouting my name

They keep on talking to me

But I don't have any verification if their talking is legitimate

Who knows, maybe I'm just a paper thin wall

A void that needs to be filled up

A lamp, with no light bulb

I cannot wave my arms like the ocean

Or push myself hard to achieve

I can tell if I am needed or not

If I need to give more room

Yet no answers.

So I sit.

Or I cling.

If I sit, I will die

Alone

Yet if I cling

I will have the nourishment of the world crumble into dust just before my hands put it in my mouth in order to let it satisfy

So, sit. And let things set in

Or continue to let things crumble...

hmm...