What if I am a black woman?

I'm finally getting a grasp of things

I AM FINALLY GETTING A GRASP OF THINGS

thank the Lord

I don't need to be in your orbit

I really don't

I have had my own

I just hadn't realized it

I'm digging my grave, but finding myself.

And it's all such full of glee

:D

Seigfreid and Roy

I kind of hoped I would see you tonight
It's what inspires my fingers as it sprays cologne and perfects my hair

My army of 10 understands that maybe you would appreciate everything fitting in place

All my buttons being buttoned

Yet, when I came

Nothing felt like in place

I had no idea why

And it wasn't because you weren't there

I'm starting to realize

that things would be the same

If you were there

It would just be easier to drive

IF I AM GOING TO BE DROWNED -- IF I AM GOING TO BE DROWNED -- IF I AM GOING TO BE DROWNED, WHY, IN THE NAME OF THE SEVEN MAD GODS, WHO RULE THE SEA, WAS I ALLOWED TO COME THUS FAR AND CONTEMPLATE SAND AND TREES? WAS I BROUGHT HERE TO MERELY TO HAVE MY NOSE DRAGGED AWAY AS I WAS ABOUT TO NIBBLE THE SACRED CHEESE OF LIFE?

These Cow Nipples Are Starting to Get Dry

My blog is about me progressing from depression to optimism

And it doesn't stop

I am not going to keep myself miserable like this

I'm going to start listening more; to people, to God, to Popoki, to silence, to music, to noise, to everything. Somehow, everything was so impulsive today and it aligned, like a bird thrown seed into a tree. I have been tip-toeing too long and I'm ready to stand and let people hear the clatter of my shoes.

Talking to you, broken watched girl, made me realize I am not a freak. Thank you. It also made me realize that I cannot envy what I had. I cannot wake up in the mornings dreading the day. I need to make a way for people to wake up for me. Which sounds cocky, which I hope I will never become.

I am continuing to look at the mirror, try to perceive me. Try to see what works for me. Because honestly, I haven't been looking at me for a long time in the mirror. Or maybe its more of a painting that I'm looking at; because things can change.

Put the Blood On the Door Cause You're Coming

Locust, that's the best word to describe this situation

A swarm of locust

Locust in my closets, where I thought my stuff was safe

Locust in my safes, where I thought my stuff was unknown

Locust in my unknowns, where you have it figured out and I don't

That's what bothers me the most

... I bust the windows in yo car...

I'm a Dog Kid; Dog Kids at My School are Pretty Much a Family

I always have been the Rosie O'Donald of the situation

I mean, we laughed when we read the chunky girl's trendy blog shit about how much she is a dog

I mean it was pretty hilarious in how she thought she was a dog

But now, I don't care

I'm fucking human

I love people

I poop in toilets

Who needs to be a dog?

I'll just keep on smiling

And I'll be Rosie

I definitely ain't lonely

So why kill myself to be something I'm not?

Who knows?

Maybe like American Werewolf in London shit that I'll become a dog

I don't think anyone is a dog, however

They just stand in podiums and act so prestigious

But when conversing with them, they sounded so

Human.

I love my friends

and you, reading this

OH SO MUCH!

Jennifer Hudson

Meh, that's my first sound when I look at myself in the mirror

Meh, that's the first sound when you looked at me

Meh, that's what people say when I add a comment in English (Which I thought was a smart contribution)

Meh, that's how I feel about my days

That's why I want you to take a photo of me

To make me look hot

Who knows? Maybe my perspecitive will change

And things in that photo will transcend into my life

And who knows? Maybe someone else will change their Meh to a Wow

And maybe people will listen to me in English? (I highly doubt this one, they're really dumb)

And maybe I'll just live days with more a smile?

I like how this plan sounds, just gotta bring it to life.

We Eat Chicken Nuggets Because We Eat Like Olympians

I'm a lot stronger than I though
I break down,

Then rebuild myself

And I'm stronger than before

Destruction will never end

And reconstruction will always follow.

An Interrogation

I don't know myself

I feel like I'm normal

But apparently not

I'm not enough to have people want to talk to me

Or maybe I'm over reacting

Like I planned, breaks are always me wanting to be highly social and extroverted and living life up when it becomes just another introverted week

I want to be more normal, not the norm, not the average

But just more, normal

Ya know, not alienating everyone

I don't think this blog shit is helping at all

I was Lying; I am a Woman

I actually lied

I love when people read this blog
In the way that you wish "he was checking out your ass"

or "looking back to see another glance of you" way

or "calling me back because he misses you" way

I love you, reader

I hate you, you.

:]

Things are going to get a more positif, Popoki. I can feel it.

FYI

I'm kind of glad no one reads this

Gaga's Monster Ball

I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I COULD LAND THIS CORRECTLY

11:11 IS COMING!

11:11 IS COMING!

11:11 IS COMING!

I always face plant on the damn cement.

I can hear Popoki having a nightmare, and I'm unprepared for my own.

What Might of Been Lost, Don't Bother Me

I am the master of solace

I pick my scabs to see it bleed more

A masochist, maybe

Or just

Maybe I'm just waiting for you to drive by

And do a drive by

And just shoot me again

I just wanted to sell you roses

That 15 minutes after you wake up is What I Seek

I don't need you

Never needed you

You are not real

Only a concept

I don't know who you is

But I can tell it's only a dream that'll become my nightmare.

But doesn't mean I'm not happy
I can't live in a dream

Because they are uncontrollable

My life, however

When I am conscious

I have free will

Not stabbed down by my mind

I am free.

I am free.

I am free.

I am free.

I AM FREE.

I feel like Will Smith, the poor one not the rich one. The alone in the world one too sometimes, but not now.

She Keeps a Gun and $20 In Her Bra for her Lovers

I hate being the whistle blower

I used to always feel like I need to suck things up, and bottle it in

This is coming to a stop

I am going to stand up for myself

When shit isn't right

I used to always feel guilty

But I need to realize when things are just pure

Wrong

Immoral

I am not going to shoot myself down, I am not going to be shot down

I can stand up for myself, even though I'm not really sure who myself is at this point

So I put Mis Manos Abrir

I know I'll never move up in my social-economic status

Well, I don't know if that's entirely true
I don't have a mirror in my life

I just get so jealous

You know, the point in all the rap songs

To spark jealousy

Show off one's success

I mean

I'll spit a lil' rap for you.

It's not that good, it'll only ever be mediocre at best

Just be unknown

So one day I hopped off the plane at LAX

I had my dream and my cardigan

People said Welcome to the land of fame excess

I said woah. I don't think I got that right.

Well, maybe if you said it. Not you but you

Maybe people would like it better.

So you hopped off the plane at LAX

You had a dream and a cardigan

You said welcome to the land of fame excess

Woah, am I going to fit in?

Well you know what, you fit more perfectly than I ever did with anyone

That's why I'm a little jealous

I never cry about my social-economic status

I know where I fit

I just will probably never rise.

Never be that Biggie, that Michael Jackson

But I just see how you walk in a room

And take it by force in a way
I'll never be able to.

So I put mis manos abrir...

No Questions that Will Freak Me Out, Just Answers

It's part of everyone's routine
I think, At least

Well, let's start over

I think it's a part of everyone's routine

I mean

I'm in the shower

And I just feel clothed with excitement

I see my reflection like Eve in the pond

Feeling so alive, loved, that the world is on your fingertips

We, as in humans, get a little curious

It seems harmless

Eve tries the apple, I don't know what the hell I did

But I bite into something

Something I shouldn't have

I don't know what, don't know when

But I look at you, then close my eyes for about a second, then look off

And I see myself

And I feel so, so

Naked.

Alone.
Transformed.

I want to cover myself

But I just see my reflection

My muffin toped

Big assed

Man-breasted

Chubby faced

Acme scarred

Chunky thighed

Ugly faced

Me.

I've always been like this, physically at least

Just, now, I have a different perspective

Now the loneliness of the world starts to sink in

Those insecurities pour out

My head thinks too much
I just get out

Clothe myself in that old towel

And see the red hickey that my watch left

Telling me that nothing is stopping for me and to help me up

No one to say, "I love you."

No one to even say "Let's be friends"
Or "Let's talk"

It's just me.

Myself.

And I.

I try to make it seem like more to myself, but it's all just one, lonely thing.

Time goes on, and the clock will strike too late.

At least Eve had a snake that warned her.

No, I'm Not Always This Way.

Have you ever heard the story about the girl that wanted asked Make A Wish Foundation to go to Disney World so that she could ride Spaceship Earth? Well, she got her wish granted. She probably was ecstatic. They say the ride is the time of your life; there's nothing like it in the world. You can't compare the ride to anything you have felt. Well, anyways, she got to go on the ride. But the ride is like a fucking centrifuge; not a place for a girl with health problems to be,especially heart problems. Well, I mean, it was her dream, even though it could of killed her. I mean, the one last thing thing she wanted in life was to go on this ride; or am I just going a little too far with my descriptions? Whatever.

So she went on the ride, her blood all went to her head, or intestines went to her head, or her body got crushed... whatever, she died while on the ride.

Well, I feel like this girl right now.

Just spun around a little too hard to where my blood leaves me and goes to my head.

Kind of like my intestines have been spun around.

I just got a little crushed.

Can't really think straight when a lot is going on.

I just go spun, spun, and spun.

I'm not dead, not at all

I just can empathize for a little bit with this girl.

Kind of sickening that I can compare the two; her and I.

People make her death sound like a horrendous thing, including my description

It would of probably been like a kaleidescope to me.

I just need to breathe with everything going on...

Tip Toes Do It Best, But Sometimes Too Quiet

I've done this death defying act before

It makes me just so purely happy

But I always end up falling

And, well

you guessed it

Hurt, badly

I fall really hard

Stupid gravity, you pretend to be conquerable

But you just kiss my head to concrete all the time

This time, I've kept my balance

Which is good

Though I've been wobbling

and I don't know if you're going to pull me down soon
Hopes up? Hopes down?
I'm just not thinking about that
Just thinking in the moment

Finally this 11:11 Shit Works

Let me restate this again

Finally this 11:11 shit works

:)

Soon the Midol won't work

Huh, I've never been down this hallway

Some ghosts have

Maybe I'm a ghost too?

Nah, I can't be

I haven't died for anyone yet.

It's strange coming down here
I don't think I'm fake because I don't believe

Not in you, that you, Ghost, exist

But in me?

Strange, isn't it?
It's all very introspective

Yet kind of ridiculous

I mean

No one is sure for themselves

Maybe ghosts are unsure of these hallways too.

Fountain of Youth

Let's just be brutally honest

Why am I so crazy about searching for you?

Cleft lifts won't get you a date any time soon.

In the past, I drove by

Not looking at any signs

Not looking at the destination
Just kept on looking to the left

At the rain, at the pleasure, at the moment
I should of read the signs
I looked for the moment, where I didn't see my crash
I'm still scarred, yes

From all the part in the crash that sucked me in

It wasn't my fault, they advertised so much

Even though they scammed so much and delivered so little

The scars won't heal for a while

But I'm going to look in front when I drive now

For I might miss you crossing

I just hope my scars don't scare you.

Maybe I'm Black and I Can't Tell?

I kind of hoped something would happen

As I walk through corridors

The walls stretch to me

To reach me

Yet they don't want me

They just reach in general

In the hallways

All the time

They don't have time to sleep

They just blindly reach

and reach

and reach

And when I get grabbed

It's a little scary, yes I'll admit

But I crave to be held

I crave to be loved

Yet, you do this to everyone

You do it oh so blindly

I can't tell if you're dead or alive

You Can't Stab Oprah to Death; She's Too Fat

We're all so disconnected

Actually, more like

Personal pulses created into a room of noises of rhythmless thought

Though, I thought you could hear it

The pulse that I get when you look at me with that way I pretended to look at myself in the mirror

Pretending it's you

The way my pulse goes when you would embrace me and my mind acts like it goes on forever

Well,

When two are in tune, you can't hear yourself

You blend together

Two pulses make one

Years passed though, yet

I thought I just heard you

A door slam downstairs

Passing of creaks in the attic

A lap of wind dashes through the house and touches my legs to create a batch of goosebumps

I just close my eyes

And hide

Close my eyes

Anticipate your arrival

All I can do is hear the pulse of mine

Maybe yours too?
Like they say

we're in tune

And the pulses beat to create one in harmony

Or maybe there's just one pulse alone, and all was just a misinterpretation.

Don't You Know the Secret?

Isn't it everyone's dream?

I never saw you in it, however.

I don't think it could ever fit you in it

Just have to swallow some more truths

But, we still spin around.

I feel like when I've been "interested" in people, it's like I'm married with kids; when they hear my story they reconsider and run away.

Nail Polish Remover and Sharpie Stains

I document, that's what I do

I try to capture emotion in a picture

A picture into your life

Just getting you to express yourself to me, that's the tricky part

And I need to click when you smile

I can't keep on waisting film like this, with this economy

You ain't no Hebrew National, You Filet Mignon

This is to you, Steak

That you helped me cool the fuck down before the show

You are beautiful

And you are probably beautiful to him

Whoever he is

Stop looking down at yourself

You'll only see your thighs touching each other and masking your toes

This phenomena happens to all the average people in the world

You'll only compare yourself to people who don't eat if you think like that

So tilt your head up

Don't look up to the ceiling of mirrors though

You'll flaunt your nose to people

Giving them the wrong impression

You can't see yourself, so you believe you're sky high

You'll only be able to see your own hair and become vain

which is the worse drug to man

and can make people so ugly

So look straight ahead

In that mirror

like he looks at you

He's not comparing you to anything

And you don't have to bluff it

You are beautiful

No matter what his expression is

No matter what he does

He has to face your beauty

And decide whether he can handle it

You probably don't need this

I don't know the situation at all

I hate people who give their opinion and advice to everything

But who knows?

I need some confidence...

That's on my to-do list.

You should Honk when a Blind Man Crosses A Crosswalk, So He Knows You're there

You're just a big hypocrite

You with all your cats in the allies

You're just as bad as all of them

You crawl up on my lap with those big apologetic eyes

Staring at me, meowing about all the things they say in the darkness

They hide so far they are invisible

Yet their comments are to an extent true

Me? I've been down that ally

And I got meowed at too, only

I know there is no point

I can tell in your eyes and the dirt on your tail that you've been down there

You probably said some things to me

But me?
I'm human, I can stand tall

You're just a cat, asking for forgiveness

Though sometimes you get frustrated with me

Because you have your little pack of freedom

And can do anything you want

I have the boundaries of these four walls

This little prison of life

So don't get mad that I can't go down those allies with you

Because you're going into nothing but trouble