Nothing.

I don't understand

Why things had to go this far, life

For you to teach us a simple lesson

Of communion of tears, community, and how corrupt it is

How beautiful it can be at the same time

It just needs someone to tug on the strings to knot people together

Some will change, someone will stay the same.

Who is the better man?
I don't know.

I can't tell

We all take steps.

I had my breakdown

Now I'm drained, empty

I feel nothing.

This is the part that scares me

I don't know how long its going to last

I don't believe anything

I don't FEEL anything

Punch me, and I won't feel something

I don't know what I need to do

That's why the nothingness scares me

I don't know how long this is going to last

That's why the nothingness scares me

Maybe I'm in labor

That's why I can't feel the pain

Because out of pain

Comes beauty

Yet, we have to nurture this beauty as long as we can

Never forget.

i used to always consider us

best friends

but during a near reaching 6 years the only time you ever considered us being

best friends

was when you were drunk

...

...

...

---

---

---

I don't know how to make myself less awkward

I don't know how to make myself a funnier person, a better whatever you want me to be

I honestly don't know what you wish I was

I kept on saying to myself

Maybe when I become more like this

or

Maybe if I become less like this

that we would become

ya know

best friends

but it hasn't worked

and maybe it's not me

and no matter how bitchy this is going to sound

I mean it in a truly, loving way

Because I still have that dream of being

best friends

maybe its you...

I am not Alone with the Lights and Music

I will never be free.

Never from my thoughts

My judgement

My disabilities and faults

From myself.

I was desperate, yet I wasn't myself

Yet I was too much myself

I couldn't free myself

So now, I don't care about you

I guess, I don't really have much

Just my backpack and my watch and some shoes

I kind of wish I had schizophrenia

So I would stop trying to hear something in life

A Dead Horse Named Cliche

"maybe for the story"

...

hmm

maybe for the story

a story that would be of the moment, we would play it off as meaningless, but we would know that we would take the memories to heart, grasp them, and carry them on with our lives.

...

hmm

I think I might.

Stress

Anxiety

Both of these can overwhelm

They can do 3 things

And these things contradict

But they still push

They make us want to ether puke, cry, or sleep

Choose one, life says

Yet

They accomplish nothing

Nothing disappears

Separation

I feel it

We talk about the golden years

Like we said we would

And now

When we confront

We feel the separation

We don't even talk normally

Well, at least I can't even talk normally

We just feel that damn separation

I said how I never had a right hand man

and you said, I stole the words from your mouth

Yet we never realized our destiny

Separation

It makes me want to cry

It makes me want to puke

It makes me want to sleep

Maybe that's what is causing my anxiety and stress

I have to go on Saturday

I have to

I need to

I don't mean this literally as it is printed in text, but I mean it how I feel

I take my last blog post back

As easily things fall apart in life

We bring it together

and keep it cool...

we heal...

Dear Life,

I am so stressed to the point where I can't make full sentences, I can' try on that pair of shoes for you Mom, I can't hand the future, I can't handle what's a head of me, I can't remember these damn scales, I can't handle you getting mad at me, I can't handle when you look at me with disappointment, I can't handle wanting someone to love but can't, I can't handle life giving me contradictions, I can't handle wanting to hear God but feeling nothing, I can't handle friends slipping away, I can't handle breathing, I can't handle not sleeping, I can't handle these monotonous days, I can't handle not seeing an end to everything, I can't handle pretending every day, I can't handle you not being my friend, I can't handle feeling fat every day, I can't handle people being over bearing and yet knowing I'm over bearing myself, I can't handle feeling like a freak, I can't handle the fact that my life is a car crash, I can't handle not being depressed and yet not happy, I can't handle not being free, I can't handle not going to SC this Friday, I can't handle waking up at 5:50 every morning, I can't handle turning 18 in 30 days, I can't handle the fact that you have everything I want and stealing everything that's precious to me, I can't handle you telling me I need someone in the future, I can't handle not knowing what direction I should go, I can't handle SHIT.

This isn't depression, its a breakdown

A butterfly flying so fast its crumbling it's own wings.

Botox

i brisk my fingertips

I brisk them

tap them

dance and twirl with them

this is what I do best

pass time

but time is running out

ONE MONTH

until I'm legal

I am so scared than anything

Life has always been about waiting till you're 13, then 16, and now I'm at 18, and I'm running out of time

I don't know what will make me feel better

ether having a dumb youthful romance or what

I am just so scared

that things on life's happiness checklist are just going to be compromised

I feel like I'm getting uglier by the years

In every way

The Sun Also Rises

So I guess I've never truly had a best friend
I mean, kind of, not really

It's like the whole true love crap

For me, I always considered them to be my best friend

It wasn't entirely mutual

It still isn't entirely mutual

You cannot beg, force, push, these types of things

They slowly penetrate

Painfully slow

Yet

.

..

.

I really don't know much

I just remembering myself vowing at the end of 8th grade coming into High School that I would never be lonely again

and I'm not lonely

Its just

I'm waiting for day

When its only the type of brightness of a New York night

Bright,

but...

There's nothing I can do.

- - -

A man said to the universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."

Stephen Crane