I love a lot of people

Even people who they wouldn't expect it.

Like I love my friends to the point where I don't even know how to express it

It's like the feeling you get with kittens

That fuzzy expression that is seemingly inexpressible.

And sometimes I feel crazy for caring this much for people.

And sometimes I feel like I get nothing in return

I haven't been at a low like this in a long time.

Shit.

Silence

usually a beautiful thing

Yet when giving one "time" and "distance" should work

ends up giving the exact thing it gives
distance so painful you want to scream

and the time to let you scream

SO glad to be leaving here

Goodbye last day of Summer in MB

glad that we've become friends

we got closer

and I got to experience all the places I wanted to experience

I've realized that I've never even been close to being in love with someone

Or even a relationship

Hopefully my inexperienced being will not hinder from becoming experienced

Hopefully it won't be too late

I just need to meet someone!

---

I have becoming more sane as the jetlagg becomes no more

Hanging out was good, it clarified the future in my head

even though it was clear in everyone else's

Friends is good :D

wooooww

here's a list of my failures

i abbreviated for "protection"

K.B. - biggest mistake I've ever made. Dragged on for another good ole 2 years.

K. C. - what you said about me needing to loose weight after 4 hours really blessed me

B. T. - I really hate you

J. H. - I hate really even more. Wow

M. M. - you're a douche. but it makes me secretly happy that you haven't had any success

D. S. - you're stupid

A. S. - you had to move away

M. F. - you are literally the dumbest person I have met on the planet. SO happy nothing happened

B. P. - everything is up in the air right now. i just need to catch it without clenching too hard so that i'll loose it. it's that feeling that i'm just trying to push you out of my mind so i can live normally yet i don't even cross your mind. whatever. i'm starting not to give a fuck and just let it go

i'm too tired and i shouldn't be doing this. whatever

Leaving for Ireland tomorrow
(!!!)

it will bring the distance that is healthy

I am not sane, I have realized.
Yet no one is.

Just more people can be more controlled then me

Well,
BYE!

We shooted for the stars

(almost said shat for the stars, ha)

and we reached lower than I (maybe we) thought

but I'm glad we're friends

I'm not going to push things

Or eff things up

Everything seems on tempo

That's a nice change of things. (!)

psh who am I joking

hey, um

I've seen you around but like

Do i even know you?

Fuck

the last award I ever one was 3rd grade for being the fastest typer

the last time I actually deserved to make an audition was never

for every single one, it's ether because of my parent's, of begging, or sympathy

{i've never actually "deserved" something}

thanks for slapping me in the face, world

the only compliment I've received by a teacher was by Mr. McCormick when he told me that I've greatly improved on my bass clarinet and that I'll go places

see, Mr. Carlson only sees things for how they are

but Mr. McCormick, he sees what they can become

He's the only person in my entire life who's seen more in me and pushed me

He convinced me to try the bass clarinet

I didn't even see that in myself

Mr. McCormick, you are one of the only teachers I respect at this school.

it makes me laugh how invisible our friendship is to you...

...

THANKS!

an impossible feat that I repeat, an impossible feat that I repeat, an impossible feat that I repeat...

i wish i could kiss you

i wish i wouldn't have to miss you

...

i miss the road that took me somewhere

even if it was

nowhere

now there is only no where

and i can't tell if its a beautiful thing

because in no where

when there is silence

my brain floods of you

{shit, this part repeated?}

What happened?

nothing to say?

...

hmm.

(i hate getting nick picky)
(i don't think I spelled that right)
(but I don't think this is just normal)

...I think something smells fishy...

As it always does.

Wish our intentions actually happened

And didn't ramble into nothing and separation

like it is now..

so frustrating

I hate thinking about that you kissed him and that I was a possibility that never happened and will {probably} never happen.

but lets keep hope...

...

I wonder if anyone thinks about me when they can't fall asleep at night...

act 2 has begun

Fear of Rejection

that's what was engraved on my brain

yet it was engraved in braille

and I couldn't read braille

Finally, I understood these bumps hurting my brain

Act 1 was about the protagonist being blinded from birth and him trying to fix himself

Act 2 ... he isn't fixed, but now he knows the language and can find the directions

one hopes for the best

and best will happen

it will

expect a better me, readers

a little jealous

but proud for you!

your name can be rearranged to Evil

i hate.

hate

hate

this.

i hate this feeling, of defeat, it happening again

it always happens

3rd times the charm

strike 3, I'm out

ONE TWO THREE

it has to be THAT easy for you

and THAT hard for me.

if I weren't so fatuglyweirddisgustingawkwardchunkyconstricteddichotomised then everything would of been perfect.

because that's what we constantly seek

perfection

well

I found it

its you,

and you got me out.

I wish I lived in the a time without computers, not 1984

please don't call me downstairs

please don't let hell crash harder for me

I'm already guaranteed a call

No need for me, please.

Lets just sing Kimbaya like you act like we do...

I hate grades. I hate how you read them so closely and don't let me breath

You act like I'm on the verge of dropping out

And its true, thanks to your actions.

You're welcome

{pss. Here's a secret}
{I blog when I'm scared in life}

{And I'm really scared right now}

Don't bother

I don't want the world to read this

So it needs to come out

I can't just sit here, not saying this

The elephant is starting to eat up the house.

..

...

..

.

..

...

..

.

I am sick of using metaphors

Sick of evading the reader and trying to out fox him

I will use names, yet, you as a reader

Are obligated to not whisper a thing

Mutter only mumbles to your pets that do not understand English

Because what I am going to write

I am deathly afraid of saying
I am dancing over fire

Dad, I never want to be like you
So wrapped around money, the green becomes your ring
It rings you around your emotions, almost choking you

I see that you want to escape

But your addiction to it, makes me sick

I never experienced you in my childhood

Your anger management never made me want to experience you much

You care about image so much

But you care about your image so much

That you have no one to show it to

You are lonely

You get jealous of me when I'm out on the weekends enjoying life

When I'm doing things you can't

You wan't me confined

So that the jealousy stops

I won't stop

I am going to live

While you yell at the wife you used to call beautiful

While you always want to escape and when you escape you feel like catching up

I see what money does to you

You can't relate to people

It alienates people
It alienates me

You wonder why all these assistants have been leaving you

That's because you're crazy

All you care about is work

Where does it go?

To buy me a better life?

Well shit dad, haven't you realized?
I'm already living a better life than you

You just want me to stop.

Money will never be an issue to me

You, will always be

Your anger to me

Your dissatisfaction in me

You only say "I love you" when you have an audience

You only say how good I've been doing to others at your office

They simply smile, but
Where does that go?
How about saying, "You did a good job Eric"
?
Is that too hard?
Well, you can write it out to your "friends" at the office

Who avoid you

.

There,

I said it.

I used to want to love you

Now the separation is beginning to start

The umbilical cord is getting cut

Get ready to start appreciating what is lost dad

Tick Tock

a step, or a leap, for my own kind has been made

I looked out the window

it continued to look gray

So I laid back into bed

Not seeing a purpose

And continued to sleep until time finally ran away

2nd Act Slaps

I look to the right when you look at me

I'm looking at what I can't have

You, being there for me always,

Say I can do so much better

Then I look into the mirror to my left

and I say, no

I can't do better

I can't even do worse

I can't even do anything

I cross the desert

So thirsty for more

You say I'm so eclectic

You know what?

I am so damn eclectic

I have to carry all this shit I've collected in my life on my back

And I feel all these knots and pressures and they all hit me so hard

I don't know what's hitting me and making me cry

I take off my shit

For the first time in a while

I lay down and you rub my back

Massage it

and you realize

that things are uneven

My left is higher than my right

That this isn't how things are supposed to be

Magnifying ________

I analyse emotions too closely

A dirty look, I take as a hate

A hug, a love

But maybe I need to look at the general picture

Yes, I remind myself of this

as the DJ yells bring it back

I spit back the same lyrics

I analyse emotions too closely

A dirty look, I take as a hate

A hug, a love

But maybe I need to look at the general picture

Yes, I remind myself of this

reusable tea bags

i thought i painted my walls pretty

i only have one pretty room

the rest, well

kind of ugly and lonely

see, they are the "living rooms"

the rooms no one touches

elegant with Crystal

Decorated with the finest paintings and chairs

but fucking finally

I thought I got a "family room"

I mean, a room where I feel at home

I can be open
FREE

No stupid composure of a "living room"

...

But once I noticed your reaction

Your face

My overreaction to your just natural nature made me realize
Maybe its you just being "nice"

like, everyone
I'm scared, honestly

I am sick of all these "nice" people and these "living rooms"

I'm noticing that this family room's wall look more like a grave than anything...

...things always slide out of my hand...

Genie.

i thought i knew what jealousy meant

i did have the definition on flash cards that I reviewed once in a while

but now, I fucking have it MEMORIZED

the kind of memorization that you can't FORGET once it's in your head

I see moments, of when it could of been perfect
IT COULD OF BEEN FUCKING PERFECT

but no, it was me

i forgot

I'm a monster
I'm a freak show
I'm the elephant man

Yet, I'm not the elephant man

So aren't you.

So aren't you

that's what I hate the most

its always

ME

that fucks things up

fucking

ME

ME

ME

and now

I see you

with the world in your hands

with your skinny, attractive body

getting the 3 things

A. The one who destiny divided our reach

2. The one that everything will be unrequited with

D. The one I will never get but always want

And I see you

Not just reaching and grasping
But puppeting

FUCKING PUPPETING

MOTHER FUCKING PUPPETING AND CONTROL AND GETTING EVERYTHING YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE IN THE 3 THINGS I NEVER COULD HAVE WHY SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL CAN'T YOU JUST EVEN SPARE ONE?

...

...

{end of breakdown scene}

...

Can we just pretend that never happened?

Because you 3 do.

You pretend I never existed

And I continue to just pretend everything actually happened.

Alrighie readers

Its me, Eric

I'm half asleep right now

And this is one of my blog entries that reminds one of a bitchy facebook game

I'm probably making it up cause I'm tired

But I'm going to talk shit

and someone's gotta guess who it is

Well, don't have to

But you know what

Fuck

I'm sick of shit

I'm sick of feeling like shit

I can't tell if its me or them

So you know what

I'm tired, nothing is constraining me

So lets get go

WE SHOULD BE BEST FRIENDS BUT YOU CAN'T OPEN UP YOUR EYES AND REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE INSTEAD YOU SEARCH AROUND AND CONTINUE TO BEAT ME

YOU DON'T GIVE CLEAR MESSAGES TO ME AND I'M AFRAID I'M ANNOYING THE SHIT OUT OF YOU BECAUSE I CAN'T READ YOUR DICTION OF BODY LANGUAGE

YOU JUST FUCKING IGNORE ME

YOU SOMEHOW KNOW HOW TO REPLACE ME PERFECTLY AND KNOW MY HOPES AND DREAMS ARE BEING WASHED AWAY WITH NO SENTIMENT

YOU THINK YOU ARE SO SOPHISTICATED AND THINK I'M SO LOW

YOU JUDGE ME

I CANNOT HANDLE PEOPLE

i don't think these gates are going to open again

so good night

there might not be nothing showing for a while

Let's cake this one on quickly

Before we have to run out on stage

and show emotion

- - -

Like I said

I so would

But not to who you expected.

No.

THIS IS A MURMUR

this is what we whispered that one time

with our lazy eyes adjusting in the dark

We dueled with the swords of perspective

You fighting for me, me fighting for you

It could of happened

It could...

I don't know even how to finish that

It could...

It could be anything

It could be horrific, wonderful, mediocre, whatever.
I just want something.

Lucky pennies will squeak familiar tunes as the ones you make

A duet, one can say

Yet you come from perfection

Me? You talking to me?
I come from failure, a fat man with fat dreams that stay dreams that he will try to pass on into the next generation

Makes me want to cry that you achieve these dreams
Yet...
Maybe I haven't opened my eyes wide enough...

Well. Not too long to think

Only have one more week till the cymbals crash

And open the doors.

- - -
I need to sleep.

i contain jealous eyes

more than i should

and not the stereotypical

jealous, but more of the

kind of you wish you had

one's talent, one's way to

make people wanted to be

around you, and just want

to be athletic, talented,

beautiful, witty, socially

aware.

Because I am neither of these.

The one thing I don't wish for

is happiness

Because I've learned a long time

ago that its just a myth

pss. Everyone's got a secret that I don't know about

They keep shouting my name

They keep on talking to me

But I don't have any verification if their talking is legitimate

Who knows, maybe I'm just a paper thin wall

A void that needs to be filled up

A lamp, with no light bulb

I cannot wave my arms like the ocean

Or push myself hard to achieve

I can tell if I am needed or not

If I need to give more room

Yet no answers.

So I sit.

Or I cling.

If I sit, I will die

Alone

Yet if I cling

I will have the nourishment of the world crumble into dust just before my hands put it in my mouth in order to let it satisfy

So, sit. And let things set in

Or continue to let things crumble...

hmm...

Nothing.

I don't understand

Why things had to go this far, life

For you to teach us a simple lesson

Of communion of tears, community, and how corrupt it is

How beautiful it can be at the same time

It just needs someone to tug on the strings to knot people together

Some will change, someone will stay the same.

Who is the better man?
I don't know.

I can't tell

We all take steps.

I had my breakdown

Now I'm drained, empty

I feel nothing.

This is the part that scares me

I don't know how long its going to last

I don't believe anything

I don't FEEL anything

Punch me, and I won't feel something

I don't know what I need to do

That's why the nothingness scares me

I don't know how long this is going to last

That's why the nothingness scares me

Maybe I'm in labor

That's why I can't feel the pain

Because out of pain

Comes beauty

Yet, we have to nurture this beauty as long as we can

Never forget.

i used to always consider us

best friends

but during a near reaching 6 years the only time you ever considered us being

best friends

was when you were drunk

...

...

...

---

---

---

I don't know how to make myself less awkward

I don't know how to make myself a funnier person, a better whatever you want me to be

I honestly don't know what you wish I was

I kept on saying to myself

Maybe when I become more like this

or

Maybe if I become less like this

that we would become

ya know

best friends

but it hasn't worked

and maybe it's not me

and no matter how bitchy this is going to sound

I mean it in a truly, loving way

Because I still have that dream of being

best friends

maybe its you...

I am not Alone with the Lights and Music

I will never be free.

Never from my thoughts

My judgement

My disabilities and faults

From myself.

I was desperate, yet I wasn't myself

Yet I was too much myself

I couldn't free myself

So now, I don't care about you

I guess, I don't really have much

Just my backpack and my watch and some shoes

I kind of wish I had schizophrenia

So I would stop trying to hear something in life

A Dead Horse Named Cliche

"maybe for the story"

...

hmm

maybe for the story

a story that would be of the moment, we would play it off as meaningless, but we would know that we would take the memories to heart, grasp them, and carry them on with our lives.

...

hmm

I think I might.

Stress

Anxiety

Both of these can overwhelm

They can do 3 things

And these things contradict

But they still push

They make us want to ether puke, cry, or sleep

Choose one, life says

Yet

They accomplish nothing

Nothing disappears

Separation

I feel it

We talk about the golden years

Like we said we would

And now

When we confront

We feel the separation

We don't even talk normally

Well, at least I can't even talk normally

We just feel that damn separation

I said how I never had a right hand man

and you said, I stole the words from your mouth

Yet we never realized our destiny

Separation

It makes me want to cry

It makes me want to puke

It makes me want to sleep

Maybe that's what is causing my anxiety and stress

I have to go on Saturday

I have to

I need to

I don't mean this literally as it is printed in text, but I mean it how I feel

I take my last blog post back

As easily things fall apart in life

We bring it together

and keep it cool...

we heal...

Dear Life,

I am so stressed to the point where I can't make full sentences, I can' try on that pair of shoes for you Mom, I can't hand the future, I can't handle what's a head of me, I can't remember these damn scales, I can't handle you getting mad at me, I can't handle when you look at me with disappointment, I can't handle wanting someone to love but can't, I can't handle life giving me contradictions, I can't handle wanting to hear God but feeling nothing, I can't handle friends slipping away, I can't handle breathing, I can't handle not sleeping, I can't handle these monotonous days, I can't handle not seeing an end to everything, I can't handle pretending every day, I can't handle you not being my friend, I can't handle feeling fat every day, I can't handle people being over bearing and yet knowing I'm over bearing myself, I can't handle feeling like a freak, I can't handle the fact that my life is a car crash, I can't handle not being depressed and yet not happy, I can't handle not being free, I can't handle not going to SC this Friday, I can't handle waking up at 5:50 every morning, I can't handle turning 18 in 30 days, I can't handle the fact that you have everything I want and stealing everything that's precious to me, I can't handle you telling me I need someone in the future, I can't handle not knowing what direction I should go, I can't handle SHIT.

This isn't depression, its a breakdown

A butterfly flying so fast its crumbling it's own wings.

Botox

i brisk my fingertips

I brisk them

tap them

dance and twirl with them

this is what I do best

pass time

but time is running out

ONE MONTH

until I'm legal

I am so scared than anything

Life has always been about waiting till you're 13, then 16, and now I'm at 18, and I'm running out of time

I don't know what will make me feel better

ether having a dumb youthful romance or what

I am just so scared

that things on life's happiness checklist are just going to be compromised

I feel like I'm getting uglier by the years

In every way

The Sun Also Rises

So I guess I've never truly had a best friend
I mean, kind of, not really

It's like the whole true love crap

For me, I always considered them to be my best friend

It wasn't entirely mutual

It still isn't entirely mutual

You cannot beg, force, push, these types of things

They slowly penetrate

Painfully slow

Yet

.

..

.

I really don't know much

I just remembering myself vowing at the end of 8th grade coming into High School that I would never be lonely again

and I'm not lonely

Its just

I'm waiting for day

When its only the type of brightness of a New York night

Bright,

but...

There's nothing I can do.

- - -

A man said to the universe:
"Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the universe,
"The fact has not created in me
A sense of obligation."

Stephen Crane

What if I am a black woman?

I'm finally getting a grasp of things

I AM FINALLY GETTING A GRASP OF THINGS

thank the Lord

I don't need to be in your orbit

I really don't

I have had my own

I just hadn't realized it

I'm digging my grave, but finding myself.

And it's all such full of glee

:D

Seigfreid and Roy

I kind of hoped I would see you tonight
It's what inspires my fingers as it sprays cologne and perfects my hair

My army of 10 understands that maybe you would appreciate everything fitting in place

All my buttons being buttoned

Yet, when I came

Nothing felt like in place

I had no idea why

And it wasn't because you weren't there

I'm starting to realize

that things would be the same

If you were there

It would just be easier to drive

IF I AM GOING TO BE DROWNED -- IF I AM GOING TO BE DROWNED -- IF I AM GOING TO BE DROWNED, WHY, IN THE NAME OF THE SEVEN MAD GODS, WHO RULE THE SEA, WAS I ALLOWED TO COME THUS FAR AND CONTEMPLATE SAND AND TREES? WAS I BROUGHT HERE TO MERELY TO HAVE MY NOSE DRAGGED AWAY AS I WAS ABOUT TO NIBBLE THE SACRED CHEESE OF LIFE?

These Cow Nipples Are Starting to Get Dry

My blog is about me progressing from depression to optimism

And it doesn't stop

I am not going to keep myself miserable like this

I'm going to start listening more; to people, to God, to Popoki, to silence, to music, to noise, to everything. Somehow, everything was so impulsive today and it aligned, like a bird thrown seed into a tree. I have been tip-toeing too long and I'm ready to stand and let people hear the clatter of my shoes.

Talking to you, broken watched girl, made me realize I am not a freak. Thank you. It also made me realize that I cannot envy what I had. I cannot wake up in the mornings dreading the day. I need to make a way for people to wake up for me. Which sounds cocky, which I hope I will never become.

I am continuing to look at the mirror, try to perceive me. Try to see what works for me. Because honestly, I haven't been looking at me for a long time in the mirror. Or maybe its more of a painting that I'm looking at; because things can change.

Put the Blood On the Door Cause You're Coming

Locust, that's the best word to describe this situation

A swarm of locust

Locust in my closets, where I thought my stuff was safe

Locust in my safes, where I thought my stuff was unknown

Locust in my unknowns, where you have it figured out and I don't

That's what bothers me the most

... I bust the windows in yo car...

I'm a Dog Kid; Dog Kids at My School are Pretty Much a Family

I always have been the Rosie O'Donald of the situation

I mean, we laughed when we read the chunky girl's trendy blog shit about how much she is a dog

I mean it was pretty hilarious in how she thought she was a dog

But now, I don't care

I'm fucking human

I love people

I poop in toilets

Who needs to be a dog?

I'll just keep on smiling

And I'll be Rosie

I definitely ain't lonely

So why kill myself to be something I'm not?

Who knows?

Maybe like American Werewolf in London shit that I'll become a dog

I don't think anyone is a dog, however

They just stand in podiums and act so prestigious

But when conversing with them, they sounded so

Human.

I love my friends

and you, reading this

OH SO MUCH!

Jennifer Hudson

Meh, that's my first sound when I look at myself in the mirror

Meh, that's the first sound when you looked at me

Meh, that's what people say when I add a comment in English (Which I thought was a smart contribution)

Meh, that's how I feel about my days

That's why I want you to take a photo of me

To make me look hot

Who knows? Maybe my perspecitive will change

And things in that photo will transcend into my life

And who knows? Maybe someone else will change their Meh to a Wow

And maybe people will listen to me in English? (I highly doubt this one, they're really dumb)

And maybe I'll just live days with more a smile?

I like how this plan sounds, just gotta bring it to life.

We Eat Chicken Nuggets Because We Eat Like Olympians

I'm a lot stronger than I though
I break down,

Then rebuild myself

And I'm stronger than before

Destruction will never end

And reconstruction will always follow.

An Interrogation

I don't know myself

I feel like I'm normal

But apparently not

I'm not enough to have people want to talk to me

Or maybe I'm over reacting

Like I planned, breaks are always me wanting to be highly social and extroverted and living life up when it becomes just another introverted week

I want to be more normal, not the norm, not the average

But just more, normal

Ya know, not alienating everyone

I don't think this blog shit is helping at all

I was Lying; I am a Woman

I actually lied

I love when people read this blog
In the way that you wish "he was checking out your ass"

or "looking back to see another glance of you" way

or "calling me back because he misses you" way

I love you, reader

I hate you, you.

:]

Things are going to get a more positif, Popoki. I can feel it.

FYI

I'm kind of glad no one reads this

Gaga's Monster Ball

I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I WISH I COULD LAND THIS CORRECTLY

11:11 IS COMING!

11:11 IS COMING!

11:11 IS COMING!

I always face plant on the damn cement.

I can hear Popoki having a nightmare, and I'm unprepared for my own.

What Might of Been Lost, Don't Bother Me

I am the master of solace

I pick my scabs to see it bleed more

A masochist, maybe

Or just

Maybe I'm just waiting for you to drive by

And do a drive by

And just shoot me again

I just wanted to sell you roses

That 15 minutes after you wake up is What I Seek

I don't need you

Never needed you

You are not real

Only a concept

I don't know who you is

But I can tell it's only a dream that'll become my nightmare.

But doesn't mean I'm not happy
I can't live in a dream

Because they are uncontrollable

My life, however

When I am conscious

I have free will

Not stabbed down by my mind

I am free.

I am free.

I am free.

I am free.

I AM FREE.

I feel like Will Smith, the poor one not the rich one. The alone in the world one too sometimes, but not now.

She Keeps a Gun and $20 In Her Bra for her Lovers

I hate being the whistle blower

I used to always feel like I need to suck things up, and bottle it in

This is coming to a stop

I am going to stand up for myself

When shit isn't right

I used to always feel guilty

But I need to realize when things are just pure

Wrong

Immoral

I am not going to shoot myself down, I am not going to be shot down

I can stand up for myself, even though I'm not really sure who myself is at this point

So I put Mis Manos Abrir

I know I'll never move up in my social-economic status

Well, I don't know if that's entirely true
I don't have a mirror in my life

I just get so jealous

You know, the point in all the rap songs

To spark jealousy

Show off one's success

I mean

I'll spit a lil' rap for you.

It's not that good, it'll only ever be mediocre at best

Just be unknown

So one day I hopped off the plane at LAX

I had my dream and my cardigan

People said Welcome to the land of fame excess

I said woah. I don't think I got that right.

Well, maybe if you said it. Not you but you

Maybe people would like it better.

So you hopped off the plane at LAX

You had a dream and a cardigan

You said welcome to the land of fame excess

Woah, am I going to fit in?

Well you know what, you fit more perfectly than I ever did with anyone

That's why I'm a little jealous

I never cry about my social-economic status

I know where I fit

I just will probably never rise.

Never be that Biggie, that Michael Jackson

But I just see how you walk in a room

And take it by force in a way
I'll never be able to.

So I put mis manos abrir...

No Questions that Will Freak Me Out, Just Answers

It's part of everyone's routine
I think, At least

Well, let's start over

I think it's a part of everyone's routine

I mean

I'm in the shower

And I just feel clothed with excitement

I see my reflection like Eve in the pond

Feeling so alive, loved, that the world is on your fingertips

We, as in humans, get a little curious

It seems harmless

Eve tries the apple, I don't know what the hell I did

But I bite into something

Something I shouldn't have

I don't know what, don't know when

But I look at you, then close my eyes for about a second, then look off

And I see myself

And I feel so, so

Naked.

Alone.
Transformed.

I want to cover myself

But I just see my reflection

My muffin toped

Big assed

Man-breasted

Chubby faced

Acme scarred

Chunky thighed

Ugly faced

Me.

I've always been like this, physically at least

Just, now, I have a different perspective

Now the loneliness of the world starts to sink in

Those insecurities pour out

My head thinks too much
I just get out

Clothe myself in that old towel

And see the red hickey that my watch left

Telling me that nothing is stopping for me and to help me up

No one to say, "I love you."

No one to even say "Let's be friends"
Or "Let's talk"

It's just me.

Myself.

And I.

I try to make it seem like more to myself, but it's all just one, lonely thing.

Time goes on, and the clock will strike too late.

At least Eve had a snake that warned her.

No, I'm Not Always This Way.

Have you ever heard the story about the girl that wanted asked Make A Wish Foundation to go to Disney World so that she could ride Spaceship Earth? Well, she got her wish granted. She probably was ecstatic. They say the ride is the time of your life; there's nothing like it in the world. You can't compare the ride to anything you have felt. Well, anyways, she got to go on the ride. But the ride is like a fucking centrifuge; not a place for a girl with health problems to be,especially heart problems. Well, I mean, it was her dream, even though it could of killed her. I mean, the one last thing thing she wanted in life was to go on this ride; or am I just going a little too far with my descriptions? Whatever.

So she went on the ride, her blood all went to her head, or intestines went to her head, or her body got crushed... whatever, she died while on the ride.

Well, I feel like this girl right now.

Just spun around a little too hard to where my blood leaves me and goes to my head.

Kind of like my intestines have been spun around.

I just got a little crushed.

Can't really think straight when a lot is going on.

I just go spun, spun, and spun.

I'm not dead, not at all

I just can empathize for a little bit with this girl.

Kind of sickening that I can compare the two; her and I.

People make her death sound like a horrendous thing, including my description

It would of probably been like a kaleidescope to me.

I just need to breathe with everything going on...

Tip Toes Do It Best, But Sometimes Too Quiet

I've done this death defying act before

It makes me just so purely happy

But I always end up falling

And, well

you guessed it

Hurt, badly

I fall really hard

Stupid gravity, you pretend to be conquerable

But you just kiss my head to concrete all the time

This time, I've kept my balance

Which is good

Though I've been wobbling

and I don't know if you're going to pull me down soon
Hopes up? Hopes down?
I'm just not thinking about that
Just thinking in the moment

Finally this 11:11 Shit Works

Let me restate this again

Finally this 11:11 shit works

:)

Soon the Midol won't work

Huh, I've never been down this hallway

Some ghosts have

Maybe I'm a ghost too?

Nah, I can't be

I haven't died for anyone yet.

It's strange coming down here
I don't think I'm fake because I don't believe

Not in you, that you, Ghost, exist

But in me?

Strange, isn't it?
It's all very introspective

Yet kind of ridiculous

I mean

No one is sure for themselves

Maybe ghosts are unsure of these hallways too.

Fountain of Youth

Let's just be brutally honest

Why am I so crazy about searching for you?